What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize