there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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