I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I am spending my child support on dildos
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How naked do you want me to be?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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