did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
