I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
