Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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