I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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