you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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