dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
