i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I think I sprained my soul last night
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
