Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
