she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
