i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize