Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize