If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
