Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
