I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
