Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
