Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
