Need sex. Gaining weight.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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