I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Im part way to drunk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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