is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
