Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
