I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize