Umm I'm too high to move.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
