i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Randomize
