Im at strip club and am horny
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
