He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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