i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
