True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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