I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
