you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
