I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
