it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
