He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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