I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
