I feel great
I just peed on a car
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
