My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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