Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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