i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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