My Higher Power is John Stamos
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
