Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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