well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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