I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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