Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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