My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
