Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize