My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize