and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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