I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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