so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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