This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
