I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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