how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I understand Curling. That high.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize