remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
