i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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